Explore ways to foster understanding, respect boundaries, and nurture deeply compassionate responses that develop harmonious and loving sibling connections.

 

When it comes to sibling relationships, which one describes how your kids are like around each other? 

Pancakes and syrup?

or

TNT and fire?

Before we became parents, we all dream of the "pancakes and syrup" sibling relationship - sweet, complimenting each other's strengths, and getting along.  

It can be incredibly jarring and painful when things start to look and sound more like TNT and fire - loud, explosive, destructive, unsafe. 

Here are two people you love more than anything that can't stand to be around each other. 

"How did this happen?" you might think to yourself. 

It can be heartbreaking. 

Devastating. 

 

Why Common Sibling Rivalry Strategies Don't Nurture Sibling Love

Where do we begin when we are busy putting out fires, daily?

Traditionally, we go in with a command. 

When our kids come to us with an issue, what we often do is we say “Okay, you have the ball for five minutes, then it's your brother’s turn.” 

Or, “Oh she’s crying for the ball, please give it back.”

Or even, “Don’t speak to your sister like that.”

Basically, we make a call. 

It comes down to our judgment at the moment. 

Our judgment of what seems fair. 

And sometimes kids will accept our judgment, and sometimes it’ll be the last thing they want to hear. 

Often, it’s the last thing they want to hear! 

Our words are like a spark to the fuse. BOOM!

You hear the whole tirade of feeling. 

“It’s not fair.”

“She always gets her way.”

Sometimes, the behavior escalates. You told a child to give the ball back, and instead they ran off with it.  

With my child, after I tried to enforce a rule on sharing or harsh words, the behavior would often escalate and so I had plenty of moments to wonder why!

And, it was a hard pill to swallow once I realized...

A judgment call asks a child to ignore a boundary. 

It’s a biggie. Because strong-willed, highly sensitive kids are BIG on boundaries. (NOTE →Things may look the exact opposite right now…keep reading and you’ll see what I mean!)

In the Breakthrough Parenting Program, I teach parents all about boundary circles. 

The center of the circle is the safe zone, where we feel at ease, with stability, clarity and focus. There’s regulation. However, as we move out across the circle, as boundaries are crossed, we move into expressions of dysregulated anger, aggression and upset. And that feels like an unsafe place to be. 

When a boundary has been crossed, it really knocks kids off-kilter. 

That’s when kids scream, or cry, or poke at each other.

They’re lost emotionally, and don’t know how to get back. 

 

Getting Past Squabbles To Sibling Love Using Supportive Responses

The good news? You and your kids don't have to stay stuck. There is a way forward.

It begins with assuming - as we do around these parts at Forward Together Parenting - that your child is kind, caring, considerate and generous.  They don’t mean to hurt their sibling either physically or verbally - they simply don’t know how to get their needs met. 

We tend to look at sibling squabbles as a set of behaviors but really, when fights and disharmony break out, it’s about a child’s needs. 

Or, more accurately, needs not being met and boundaries being crossed. 

This happens for a few reasons:

Development Stage

When a child hasn’t yet mastered how to voice their needs, or the needs of their playmate. This can be about following rules - or not - during a game. Not listening to a request. Not understanding how a game works. 

And if you’ve ever been in a meeting where it feels like you aren’t being heard, you’ll understand how hard this is. 

They may notice things feel “off,” but not really understand why or what they need. Or, they may register that their ears are ringing and need quiet, but not know how to communicate it well, so you’ll hear them scream, “stop talking!”

Role-playing a past experience

Kids often work through experiences that have impacted them through play. So, if a kid at your child’s school was abrupt with your child, you may hear them say or do a similar thing with a sibling. They’re playing around with the notion of power. How it feels to be bossed around or do the bossing. Thing is, it temporarily feels good to them because it pseudo meets a need to have  impact and/or a sense of power, but then because it hurts other’s feelings, they end up long-term not feeling good because they also have a need to be kind.  We all do.  They need our support to find another way to meet their need to know they have an impact, while also being kind.

Out of play fuel

Tough days at school, changes to routines, late nights, sickness, hunger. All of these can increase a child’s need for decompression time and space

Sibling struggles

Sometimes it’s just plain hard to share the limelight with a brother or sister. Your child may come to you with issues simply because it’s a proven way to get some much needed connection with you. Kids crave connection, and if they’re feeling disconnected from you they will settle for attention, whether that be positive or negative attention. A judgment call really only responds to the behaviors you can see - rather than the underlying need. They ask a child to put their siblings' needs above their own. That’s hard. 

It can feel unfair, and fairness is often an important value of strong willed kids. They crave equity and a sense of stable safety, which comes from knowing how a system works and being able to trust that system. 

When we make situational judgment calls, there isn’t clarity around what values and needs are underneath the decision we are making, and because they may not feel their needs have been seen, they may fight more for what they want.  Supporting your child to see the values and needs - their own and their sibling’s - underneath a sibling squabble, relieves them because they know their needs matter, and empowers them to find a solution that will meet both themselves and their siblings needs.

 

Isn't Sibling Love About Putting A Sibling's Need First?

Ahh, you might say. But that seems reasonable. We want considerate children, afterall, and you’re right that means supporting them to see that their siblings' needs are important.

I'd actually argue that the way to get off the roller-coaster of squabbles and fighting is to stop having your kids fight about whose needs are more important.  Because even when one child “wins”, there is a silent message that next time they could “lose”

I call this the “cookie situation”.  Imagine you have 4 cookies and 2 kids.  You offer the plate of cookies to your strong-willed child first.  What happens?

Do they take all the cookies?

Do they take the two bigger cookies?

If they do either of the above, it may seem like they “win” at the moment.  But they don’t.  They put their needs above their siblings.  But, they also get the silent message that it could be them next time - what if next time, their sibling gets to pick first?  Then their sibling could get “more”.

Putting their needs above their sibling’s needs actually feeds anxiety and stress.  And, putting their siblings' needs above theirs does the same.

The solution? Instead of “above”, support them to put their needs WITH their siblings.  Their siblings' needs are important AND their needs are important.

Having that security that both their needs and their siblings needs matter, makes it easier to hear another person's cry for help.

Of course, we want our kids to grow up being generous to one another. We want that sibling love to grow out of compassion and kindness for one another. 

And so the best way I know to bring that to reality is to model that “both needs matter” through compassionate responses that teach about boundaries and needs.

 

Five Deeply Compassionate Responses That Foster Sibling Love

These responses give equal weight to both siblings and their feelings.

Answer A Cry For Inclusion

In a compassionate response, we can take action that helps both children feel heard. 

“It seems like I have two kids who both want the ball. Of course you want it and your brother is playing with it right now. What would you like to do while you wait for your turn?”

This responds to a primary need for inclusion and acceptance, given in a grounded response. 

Or, when a child won’t play, or expresses frustration with a sibling, because they want your approval instead, enter their world and bring them together.

Snuggle up with the child who wants your eyes on them, and then ask the sibling to help. They can bring a blanket, or bring a book they think their sibling will like. 

These responses support both siblings in their relationship. 

Highlight A Child's Impact 

Sometimes a child doesn’t know the impact they have using harsh words or actions with a sibling. In a calmer moment, tell them you heard the words they said and explain why they provoked a response:

“Jonah really looks up to you. Did you know that? He cries and he screams when you say those words because you are so important to him. He also laughs whenever you make silly faces for him. He really notices you. You really matter.”

This helps bring your child back in tune with both their impact and their core.  

Help Them Voice Their Needs

When a child is struggling to play well, or reacts in frustration with a sibling, you know it’s because their boundaries have been crossed in some way. 

Anger is a sign of an unmet need. 

Help them regain their balance by asking what they need. 

You might hear a passionate plea: “I need my brother to quit talking so much.” 

Or something a little harsher: “He never shuts up!”

Empathize with the need behind the words:  “It sounds like you need quiet right now. That’s really important.”

Make a suggestion to your child to voice their needs too. This works best if you can do it within earshot of the other child:

 “I bet if you told your sister that you need a bit of space, she’d listen. She cares how you feel. Want to give it a go?”

These heart-centered strategies help your kids respect each other's boundaries. 

Shorten the window of expectation

Then there are those moments when your kids play together beautifully. 

You light up as you see them having fun together. 

You're thinking to yourself..."I don't want this to end! They're getting along so well!"  

When IT happens... (cue dramatic music,)

Maybe it's yelling.

Maybe somebody took somebody's else's toy.

Name calling.

Hitting.

And you're left wondering where all the magic went after that amazing 20 minutes of togetherness. 

And because you want them to have as much together time as possible, the next day when they start playing you hope for a better outcome. 

What happens? Same thing. A solid amount of easygoing play time, then conflict. 

Let's break this down.

When we have siblings, the ideal is them showing love and getting on together. Of course! 

We try to convince ourselves a good 15, 20 or 30 minutes of “good play,” outweighs fights and arguments at the end.   

But let’s be real. Day after day, those tense moments become draining and stressful.  

Here’s the thing. We can’t simply cut out the conflict. 

But we can avoid it. 

In fact, we can avoid it a whole lot quite simply and easily. 

With just a few words or actions, we can interrupt this pattern, so that our kids remain more balanced and calm. Even playful. 

So how can we interrupt this pattern? 

Siblings fight when they get dysregulated.

Our kids know how to start having fun together but sometimes they don't realize when their body is done and needs down time.  

So they feel an internal conflict. 

Yes, playing is good. They like the game. Their siblings are fun. They don’t WANT it to end. 

AND they are flagging. They could use some space. 

It’s not hard to see how that internal conflict soon erupts into external conflict. In hitting, name calling, and tattling. “Mom! She hit me!!!”

In other words, more play isn’t better. Quality, not quantity, is the goal when it comes to play.

So what’s the answer?

First, get a handle on how long their “good play” window is. How long does it usually take before a battle breaks out?

Now, well before that point, step in. Gently. 

So if 30 minutes is their usual window of good play time, interrupt them at around 15 minutes. 

Offer a break that feels natural. 

“Who needs a drink and snack?”

“Hey, did you ever get to read that book on your pile?”

“Today is great weather and the trampoline looks lonesome. Any jumpers?”

You are helping your kids transition when they are playing together and things are going well, long before things would normally start to unravel. 

Even two minutes of positive sibling interaction feels better than more than 20 minutes of fun that ends in conflict. 

 

How Just Two Minutes Can Foster Sibling Love 

Recently, a mom shared with me how her kids wanted to play with a ball together after school while they waited for their bus to come. 

It sounded like a good plan, but it ended in squabbles and tears. 

And while part of her appreciated that they had wanted to spend that time together, another part saw that their play wasn’t really fulfilling their desire to connect. 

In fact, it did the opposite. 

And due to it being at the end of school, they had even less emotional bandwidth to get on for very long. It made for a tense journey home and everyone arrived back frazzled. 

I suggested she regroup with them after just a few minutes of play. This gave them a quick window to connect and enjoy their time. 

This went well. She told me, "Yup, two minutes of positive interaction is way better than 20 minutes of fun that ends in a fight."  

 

Reflect on Good Moments So Kids Start To Notice Them Too

Since boundaries and self-awareness are really important for strong-willed or highly-sensitive kids, sharing your observation of their good play window helps them notice how much better it feels to end on a good note. 

Don’t forget, these kids feel their feelings intensely and can get overwhelmed quickly. Teaching them to recognize when their energy is fading is a valuable step in learning how to self-regulate. 

Try "I heard two kids giggling earlier" or "I saw two kids beaming after one game together!"

Creating this awareness leads to stable connection which leads to more good quality time together. 

 

What To Do When You Lose It?  

Kids aren’t the only ones who need to ensure their boundaries are kept. 

Sibling conflict can snap our nerves too. 

Often this happens when we are tired, stretched or feeling emotionally worn down by our children’s needs or their inability to get along. 

What I've discovered is that sibling conflicts often bring up conflicts for us parents too. 

We get stuck in choices and ideals. Maybe you see your child is upset when their sibling won’t share, and yet you see the delight your other child has playing with the toy they don’t want to share. 

Why would you disrupt that?

Or you know one child is aching to go play outside together, but the other is content curled up with a book. 

What do you do?

Well, if you follow the four ideas listed above, you may be able to guide your children away from any conflict by helping them voice their needs and respect their boundaries. Awesome.

But, if you haven’t been able to step in until your children’s fuse is two seconds from blowing and you scream to shut it down? 

Or, if you go to step in and settle things and no one is listening and so you lose your cool and raise your voice? 

Then what? 

 

Behind Every Thought Is A Kind Thought (even thoughts where we judge ourselves)

It’s easy to get trapped in judging ourselves. 

"Why couldn't I stop it?”  

“What did I do wrong?"

Or maybe we get frustrated with our kids. You tell them, "You poke and poke at each other all day long! I just want a restful day!" 

Or "Why can't you ever just get along?"

Even if you don’t actually say the words you might think them.

We've all been down these paths before, thinking these things, including the parents I support, and me.  

It doesn't feel good to any of us. 

In fact, it’s a dead end that keeps us stuck on an emotional roller coaster with our kids.

How can we re-write this?

 

My Favorite Phrase That Helps Everyone Reconnect

Let’s think about what we really want. I mean, under all those thoughts and judgments and yuckiness. 

What we want is to get back to connection. 

That place that feels safe and warm and balanced. 

What’s the path to that destination? Taking a moment to reconnect to each other's goodness. Doing that helps us come together, rather than dividing us further. 

But I know, it’s so hard when you have all that other stuff whirling around your head as you watch your kids try and offend or even hurt each other. 

Here’s my favorite phrase I use to get unstuck and get back to connection. 

I say, out loud, "This isn't how any of us wanted this to go."

It comes from absolute honesty, with no shame or judgment on anyone. 

"This isn't how any of us wanted this to go,” means:

I didn't want to yell.

You kids don't want to be attacking each other.

We all wish it was better. 

It’s not anyone's fault.

That honesty, that acknowledgment, is so grounding and connecting. 

Knowing that no one is getting what they need levels the field. 

And it creates a sense of belonging - a core need we all have -  that allows you all to move forward together. 

 

Use These Responses To Nurture Sibling Love, Generosity and Compassion

When it comes down to it, your kids don't want to be fighting all of the time. They just want to know that they are loved, that they are enough, and that their sibling's presence doesn't interfere with their ability to be loved and accepted by you.

These strategies foster that love and acceptance and let it flow easily. This generosity and compassion is key for helping sibling love grow. What tool are you ready to try in your home?

Learn how to support sibling love in the Breakthrough Parenting Program, my signature course for parents with strong-willed or highly sensitive kids. Click to learn more about how you can receive support to get the best from your strong-willed child.