How To Quickly Build Connection With Your Strong-Willed Child
Aug 09, 2024
Parents I hear from often tell me that their strong-willed or sensitive kids seem to demand so much connection.
And it’s true, it can feel like our kids have so many needs!
Because we care so much, we end up focusing a lot on those needs.
If we see a need to play, we play regardless of whether we need rest or not.
If we see a need for comfort, we move swiftly, even if an inner voice complains, “No, not again!
We attempt, time and time and time again, to build connection with our strong-willed kids and then to keep that connection strong.
When daily life is already busy and stressful, when there’s plenty else demanding your time and attention, It can feel like a lot!
The Difference Between Building Connection and Giving Attention
So, why do our strong-willed, sensitive and high needs kids have this intense need for connection?
Essentially, feeling connected to their favorite humans - you! - helps them feel secure, content and capable.
Because our kids receive so much external and internal information from their environment and in their bodies, they easily feel overwhelmed.
Our presence grounds them.
So, it's not that our kids want more of our time.
It's that they want more of us.
Now, we all love our kids. Every single day we express love and connection to our kids. I know you are giving them that.
However, the love and connection we offer isn’t always felt by our kids in their bodies. And then kids can confuse attention with genuine connection. But attention doesn’t give them the grounding and security they seek and also it feels different for us too. Attention-seeking isn’t nurturing or joyful, it’s draining and demanding.
Which is when it begins to feel like our kids need us all the time!
Building Connection With Super Connects
My best way to give them the “us” they need to be their best selves is with a super connect.
What’s a super connect?
I’d describe it like a glitter bomb of love going off in your child’s body. It lights them up and delivers the burst of connection they need to feel regulated and stable. (You’ll probably be relieved to hear that these don’t take too much time or energy on your part either. Double win!)
What a super connect does is help our kids feel our love intensely.
They’re connected to it, and we’re connected to it. It’s a message of love shared by both sides.
Who wouldn’t want that in their day!
A Quick Primer on Super Connects As A Go-To Way To Build Connection Quickly
Super Connects are an instant connection that takes just a moment, and can be used reliably, again and again, so that your child feels deeply and fully loved and connected immediately.
They feel your love for them in their body and you feel love for them in your body completely, immediately and passionately.
Let’s dive in.
Here’s five things you should know about super connects
Timing: I find they work especially well in the morning or evening before bed so a child wakes and goes to sleep feeling deeply loved and connected.
Unique: Super connects are unique to each relationship. If you have more than one child, each will have their own super connect. If you have a partner, they will have their own super connectswith the kids that are different to yours.
Quick: Super connects are quick interactions that feel natural to you and your child. Think under 30 seconds.
No Agenda: Ideally, these feel like such natural ways to connect they require no agenda. You don’t particularly use them to heal moments of disconnection. Instead, they are woven into your family life and become a regular source of stabilizing connection.
Meet Your Need Too: Super Connects are not only about your child’s needs. As you develop Super Connects, it’s important they feel good to you too.
What Super Connect Would Work Best For Your Child?
The key to building routine, regular connection with your child is for your super connect to resonate very strongly with them.
You’ll know you have found a great Super Connect for them when their face lights up! When they giggle or gaze back at you with love.
And you’ll know, because you’ll feel it too!
Super Connects are effective like this when you work with your child’s core energies. My best strategy for discovering a child’s core energies is to imagine them as babies.
Think back to when your child was six months to a year old. What did they respond to? What made them laugh and get playful or snuggle up to you?
Were they generous, sneaky, very physical?
Perhaps they liked a goofy humor or a long, enveloping hug?
Did you have habits that felt warm, connecting and joyful that you’ve forgotten?
Use these ideas to get a sense of what lights them up, what their core energies are.
Examples of Super Connects I Use To Build Connection
Physical Super Connect
My eldest has always been very physical. When he was a baby, at night, he’d do this thing where he would stand up in his crib, and then just fall down. Pull himself up, fall down. He found that so funny! He’s that kid who wakes up energetic. He also loves to roughhouse, and part of my journey was realizing that roughhousing didn’t work for me because I’m legally blind and someone coming towards me suddenly sends me into fight/flight.
So one Super Connect we have in the morning is when I wake him, I massage/squeeze his legs and arms - there’s deep pressure and I press down hard with rhythm so his whole body and the whole bed jiggle a bit, and it wakes him up in a way that is physical, and fun for both of us, yet keeps me securely out of fight/flight. During the day, we block each other when we try to pass each other in the hallway.
If your child is physical like this, they may like it if you jump up and down when you hug first thing in the morning. Or they may appreciate racing to bed, or you picking up their feet while they walk on their hands, wheelbarrow style. Again, only do something like this if you find the activity bonding too!
Tender Fun Super Connect
I’d describe my second child’s core energies as “tender joy”. As a baby, he was generous. He liked to snuggle. Now, one of my core energies is sneakiness. Sneaky fun really fills my cup!
So, these days, if I see him brushing his teeth in the morning or evening, and the door is open, I'll sneak in and kiss him on the back of the neck.
Then I creep out.
And this is a game for us now, so he’ll say something like, “Mama, I saw you.”
I’ll pretend to be mystified.
“You kissed me,” he’ll say.
“Me?!” I’ll say. “How could it be? I’m right here in the hallway!”
And because we met his core energy of tender fun and my core energy for sneaky fun, we both feel light, playful and connected.
Silly Super Connect
My youngest daughter has always liked to be silly. She finds it funny when things get mixed up. I play on that idea for one of the super connects we share.
Before bed, she likes to get all her stuffed toys in order, just so. She’ll call “ready,” to me when she has her bed how she wants, and then I’ll go in, put a cover over them all, tuck her in and say goodnight.
Except, a few nights a week, I'll mix this up. I gather the blanket how she expects, but then i’ll drop it so it misses her body completely. She’ll laugh and I'll try again. Maybe it goes over her head - or mine! Either way, she goes off to sleep with a smile on her face and I leave her room feeling warm and connected.
Building Connection Becomes Easier Like This
Building connection with strong-willed kids is very necessary, but it doesn’t mean you have to dedicate lots of time and energy.
As you can see, these Super Connects work so well because they feel like a natural fit for our family.
Try them if you think they might suit you, but please don’t if they feel forced!
I have a few go-to Super Connects now, for each child, that I can turn to, which helps to keep things feeling fresh. Sometimes, a new one gets invented without me even really thinking about it.
Parents I work with see such a big difference when they use Super Connects to build connection - and there’s much less attention-seeking behavior!
I invite you now to spend a few minutes to think about your child when they were six months old or a year old. What core energies did you see in them? What words would you use to describe them? Could any of them be used to create your first Super Connect?
Let me know - I’d love to hear from you on how these work in your family!
