Does it feel like your child is more emotional than their friends? Do they tantrum and meltdown often? Do they scare easily, or act jumpy? 

Then you could be raising what’s known as a highly-sensitive child. 

Having an emotional child with high sensitivity is not a ‘problem’ and nothing is ‘wrong’ In fact, in this post, Psychology Today says that at least 15-20% of the American population is highly-sensitive too. 

Highly-sensitive children are gifted with an extraordinary depth of feeling. As a highly sensitive person myself, I like to say we are “deeply feeling.” Know that your child has an acute awareness of their surroundings, a rich inner life, are very perceptive, creative and appreciate beauty. 

We’re tender souls with huge hearts!

I once heard high sensitivity explained like this: Where others may see a patch of grass as a green square, your child is likely to notice every blade. 

Your child’s body and mind are always taking in information which can leave them overwhelmed at times. In these moments their emotions can spill over into loud tantrums, stalling or angry words. They need good support to feel balanced and happy. 

Identifying a Highly-Sensitive Child

A highly-sensitive child, often referred to as an HSC, experiences the world around them more intensely than their peers. They have a heightened perception and emotional responsiveness that they are born with. That’s to say, their sensitivity is not to do with their environment or how they are raised, but if faced with a high-conflict situation or stressful situation their systems can reach a high-alert reactive state. When a parent can attune to this sensitivity, it can support a shift from reactive to a responsive state. 

Emotional Extremes

Highly-sensitive children tend to fluctuate between emotional extremes. They can move between joy and anger quickly, with little in between. Their emotional reactions can be intense and may seem to last longer than their peers. Parents may find themselves conflicted between wanting an outburst to stop, either for safety or consideration of others, and wanting to somehow validate their feelings. And yet, it is precisely because our highly sensitive kids feel so deeply that we are able to sink into a deep connection with them. What may be perceived as a flaw at first glance is actually one of their superpowers.

Sensory Sensitivity

Along with their emotional sensitivity, highly-sensitive children also tend to have heightened sensory reactions. They may react more strongly to sensory stimuli such as loud noises, bright lights, textures and smells. This sensitivity can also make them more susceptible to feeling overwhelmed by their surroundings.

Prone to Meltdowns

Due to their heightened sensitivity, highly-sensitive children can become stressed more easily than their friends. They may experience frequent and intense meltdowns as a result of feeling overwhelmed by their emotions or environment.

Keen Observers

Highly-sensitive children are often described as 'processors.' Their minds are continuously active and they observe and analyze the world around them. This trait can make them exceptionally insightful and empathetic.

Traits of Highly-Sensitive Children

Take a look at these traits to identify whether your child could be highly-sensitive, and learn how you can support them every day. 

Big Need for Control

You probably have discovered that highly-sensitive children often have a strong need for control. They may develop rigid expectations and routines. They may be inflexible and resistant to change, or insist on specific ways of doing things. These are all coping mechanisms for managing an overwhelming world. 

Struggling with routines? Get an effective way to respond that transforms transitions in Transmission Mission

Fearful in New Situations

Highly-sensitive children can be more anxious and hesitant in new situations. Their minds are constantly analyzing and evaluating their surroundings, leading them to feel more nervous about new experiences. They may resist new activities and take longer to adapt to new environments. When we acknowledge these fears, rather than walking on eggshells around them, we can make a plan with our sensitive kids on how to face these fears.

Low Frustration Tolerance

Highly-sensitive children often struggle with a low frustration tolerance. They may get easily upset when facing challenges and may give up quickly when tasks become difficult. As parents, we can support them in persevering in the face of challenges when they become overwhelmed. 

Perfectionism and Fear of Losing

Highly-sensitive children often show up with perfectionist tendencies. They may become distressed if they can't perform a task perfectly, and they may feel an intense fear of losing or failing, and melt down when this happens. 

Intensely Attuned to Correction

Highly-sensitive children may struggle to handle correction. Because they process so deeply, they are likely already thinking about any potential mistakes or missteps that they have made so They can perceive even gentle guidance as criticism, leading to feelings of shame or defensive reactions.

Will Favor Deep Relationships

Even from a young age, these children seek connected and nourishing relationships. They look for friends with shared passions and interests to bond over, rather than chit chat and casual relationships. They will often share honest feelings and views, even when they are not popular. 

Self-Conscious and Takes Things Personally

Highly-sensitive children are often more self-conscious than others, and care deeply about what others think of them. They feel things deeply and can take things personally. This can create a cycle, where they feel easily slighted, which shows up as annoyance or upset with friends, and can be confusing for friends who don’t share the same tendency. 

Extremely Caring 

Win their trust and you’ll have a deeply attuned, supportive and loyal relationship with your highly-sensitive child.  When they feel secure, their caring nature is clear. When you hear “I don’t care!”, consider what they are actually saying is “It hurts to care”.

Tips for Parenting a Highly-Sensitive Child

Parenting a highly-sensitive child requires a good understanding of their, and your, underlying emotions, and responses that may be very different from those of other children. These ideas can help in your  journey.

Create a Calm and Structured Environment

Creating a calm and structured environment can provide a sense of security and predictability for highly-sensitive children. This can help reduce their feelings of being overwhelmed and support their emotional well-being.

Validate Their Feelings

One of the most important things you can do for your highly-sensitive child is to validate their feelings. Acknowledge their emotions without judgment or dismissal, and reassure them that it's okay to feel their feelings deeply. 

Support Regulation Skills

Help your highly-sensitive child develop good regulation skills. Let’s be real for a moment - we, as adults, have moments where we can self-regulate and we have moments where we seek co-regulation (ever called up a friend to chat when you’re upset?)  Kids need support in knowing that they can get to regulation through both channels, too. 

I teach parents how to support their children by discovering how to engage with their emotions and use them as a guide to discover their needs.  When they discover their emotions don’t need to be “managed” or “controlled”, but rather are important and necessary and likable parts of being human, they will be able to separate their emotions and impulses from their action. You can guide your kids to discharge the impulse to ask through things like ripping a scrap piece of paper, stomping their feet, or pulling on a secure doorknob.  They’ll discover they can move the energy in ways that are safe and respectful, and then discover why they felt that way in the first place, and what they need.  For example, my daughter, when she’s upset with a sibling will articulate “I had the impulse to scream, and I didn’t.  I actually want quiet”.

Provide Lots Of Downtime

Highly-sensitive children often need more downtime than their peers. Ensure they have plenty of opportunities to rest and recharge, in quiet spaces, away from overstimulating environments. You might find they favor small spaces they find safe nourishing. Try making a den with blankets, or sticking paper up under a table that they can crawl under to draw. 

Limit Exposure to Over Stimulating Environments

Highly-sensitive children can be easily overwhelmed by overstimulating environments. Whenever possible, minimize their exposure to loud noises, large crowds, and other sensory-intensive situations. This doesn’t mean you need to stop living either. It just means that things will go better for you if you make a plan for how to meet their needs in these over-stimulating environments. 

For a long time, I didn’t realize that the reason my child got extra clingy at Taekwando because he found the children’s music and lights a challenge. Now when we arrive, our first step is to set up camp in our special quiet spot so that he stays settled while his siblings have class. This meets his need for quiet and our family need to meet our commitments. 

Build Assertiveness Skills

Help your highly-sensitive child develop assertiveness skills so that they can communicate their needs and boundaries. Talk to them about their sensitivity. When they are calm ask them to describe how they had felt in an overwhelmed moment and what helped. Because they are so perceptive and think deeply, their answers can be incredibly insightful and offer good ways to move on. Teach them to share those insights with others so that they can advocate for themselves in group settings.  

Want to see more about advocacy and assertiveness?  (Elle - can we link to “Sometimes it gets loud in my toes?”   

Promote Self-Care Habits

Promote healthy self-care habits like regular physical activity, balanced nutrition, and adequate sleep, which can help keep them feeling balanced. You can meet these needs in many different ways so get creative and choose ways that work for you and your child.

For instance, if your child doesn’t want to go out to kick a ball or run around, could they get some exercise on a small indoor trampoline, or by keeping a balloon in the air?

If they don’t eat cut carrots, could you add them to a pasta sauce, or skip them and serve strawberries as dessert instead?

Help Them Find Their Natural Motivation

Since these children find new situations and people hard, they might resist many of the usual activities their friends take part in, such as an organized sport or music. This doesn’t mean they aren’t interested and will never become involved. 

Highly-sensitive kids have a high motivation when they have genuine interest. Look for where they get invested and nurture it. If they do like throwing a ball, play with them and build their skill. This might be enough for them, but it doesn’t hurt to suggest joining a team, or going to watch a team play.

They also benefit from lots of downtime, where they have a chance to free play, be imaginative, or get creative, without any demands, which nurtures their sense of self and confidence. 

Lastly, celebrate the strengths of your highly-sensitive child. Their sensitivity, empathy, creativity, and depth of understanding are unique gifts that deserve recognition and celebration.

Is Highly-Sensitive the Same As Strong-Willed or Spirited?

Here at Forward Together Parenting we see a whole lot of overlap between highly-sensitive kids and strong-willed children. In fact, we’d say that behind every strong-willed, stubborn, resistant or explosive reaction is a highly-sensitive child, and the ideas we share will help whether you would say your child is highly-sensitive, strong-willed, spirited, defiant or deeply-feeling. 

You can learn more in our Parenting Guide: Raising Your Strong-Willed Child

Do Highly-Sensitive Children Outgrow Their Sensitivity?

While a highly-sensitive child's heightened sensitivities may lessen as they mature and develop coping mechanisms, the core temperament of high sensitivity remains constant. It's important to remember that being highly sensitive is not a phase or something to be outgrown, but an integral part of your child’s identity that is valuable. They should be encouraged to work with it as a strength. 

As an adult, my sensitive nature is super useful in coaching parents. It makes me a good listener, I'm empathetic, and deeply invested. I have my sensitivity to thank for this! I can safely say I wouldn’t be here with you today without it. 

And yet, I know that being the parent of a highly-sensitive child can be a challenging journey. My kids are also sensitive. There can be a lot of feelings floating around in our house at times! That’s why I created the Breakthrough Parenting Program to support parents with knowledge and strategies for raising highly sensitive children. 

By understanding and nurturing your child’s unique traits, you can help them feel confident in owning who they are and celebrating what they bring to the world. It’s pretty special. 

Are you a highly-sensitive parent?

Does your parenting approach support your child’s sensitivity or clash with it? Find out by taking my Parenting Personality Quiz and get parenting advice tailored to your parenting style. 

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