Your kids are having fun. It’s noisy. All of a sudden one backs into you giggling. You dodge to avoid them, careful not to spill the tea you’re holding. 

 

All of a sudden your anger is at boiling point. 

 

You yell.

 

Immediately the fun vibe is crushed and you feel deflated. 

 

People call this mom rage. A sudden, explosive moment of anger. 

 

And it’s more common than you’d guess. 

 

You Aren’t Bad: Why Mom Anger Is A Symptom

 

No doubt about it, moms have a lot to be angry about. 

 

Exhaustion. Worry and stress. Threat, real or perceived. 

 

And don’t forget the whole mass of needs fighting for your attention, between your kids, your partner, your family, your friends and your community. 

 

In fact, needs are at the center of where anger stems from. Let’s look at how. 

 

Why Do I Feel So Angry All The Time?

 

When you are in a place of rest and support where your needs are getting met, you don’t feel anger. This is when you feel clear and focused. Where it’s easy to ask for what you need, and receive it. 

 

Now, imagine you do something that pushes that comfort zone a little. Whether you sign up for a new class, cook something difficult or decide to go for a promotion at work, you’ll likely feel energized, aware, excited and creative. 

 

You’re feeling good, because you’re stretching and flexing. 

 

And other times, going outside our comfort zone can feel overwhelming.  Even a little scary. You might tell yourself “it’s ok - I’ve got this!” at first, and yet the moment you feel judged or criticized, you tip into frustration, or fear, and then anger.

 

What’s really happening is that you have a need that’s going unmet. Each and every person is different, with different needs, but in stretching, you’re often confronted with a feeling to succeed, or to be seen as successful or accomplished. When you fail, in our eyes, or others, it can be crushing. This is a familiar experience for many of us, yet often not spoken about.

 

Maybe you joined a council in the hopes of bringing change. Your suggestions go unheard or that change is coming at a snail’s pace and a need you had to activate change goes unmet. 

 

You may have had expectations about how you would experience parenting. And yet the reality can be so different. The need behind what you expected goes unmet. 

 

When needs are unmet, ungrounded anger and frustration start to show up. Very few of us learn how to respond to anger. We grow up getting told not to be angry - and we still feel that same shame, judgment and fright from feeling out of control. So what happens? We stuff it down. We deny the anger until it becomes impossible to ignore. 

 

Stuffed Anger is Simmering Anger

 

Let’s talk about what happens when we stuff down anger. Really, what we are doing is stuffing down needs. Which really means that we’re pushing away the idea that we have needs.

 

This denial prompts an imbalance, where we put everyone else’s needs, including our kids' needs, above our own. 

 

Next, we feel drained, exhausted, defeated, confused and resentful. Like our emotional compass is somehow “off.”

 

And although we might be aware that something doesn't feel right, it’s rare to pinpoint a denial of needs as the source. But know this. Each time needs go unmet, rage simmers, waiting for an opportunity to boil over. 

 

When that happens, what you say or do may seem completely out of character. 

 

Of course, this leads to more feelings that don’t feel good. Guilt. More shame. And so we continue to try to deny the anger, which is actually denying the need. The circle continues. 

 

Why Calm Isn’t King…And Can Cause Anger To Flare

 

It doesn’t help that in our world right now, we are being encouraged to deny anger. 

 

In a time where meditation and mindfulness are everywhere, the message reads, be calm - calm is good or best. We are guided to “find calm,” just as we tell our kids to calm down. 

 

Yes, meditation can lead to calm. But it only happens when you sit with discomfort rather than deny it. Calm is a symptom of the first state we talked about. A place of rest that feels safe. Calm is impossible to access if your needs are not being met. 

 

So what can be done?

You don’t want the anger. You don’t want to be an angry parent. Of course you don’t!. Not one parent I work with wants to hear themselves yelling at their kids, filled with anger and out of control. 

 

Stick with me, and keep reading. I’ll share the exact insight and strategy I use with parents I coach who want to conquer explosions and enjoy peaceful times with their kids. 

 

Boundaries Can Guard Against Angry Outbursts and Rage

 

Boundaries get misunderstood a lot and many view boundaries as a device for putting up walls, to distance, disconnect or push away those close to us. 

 

But boundaries are less to do with others - and, used mindfully, never have to cause distance. In fact, I'll show you how you can use boundaries to invite more understanding and connection. 

 

So boundaries aren’t walls that separate. They are actually foundations you can use to create safety, clarity and focus. 

 

When needs are going unmet, it’s a sign that we are outside our boundaries. 

 

We often understand boundaries as saying “this is good or bad” or “this is right or wrong”.  These are judgements, and bring more fear.  Boundaries are based in love and our emotions are a tool that support us to understand our relationship with our needs.  

 

I like to use boundary circles with parents I coach to figure out exactly where their relationship is with boundaries. They help us to see if their needs are getting met, and their boundaries are getting acknowledged and honored. 

 

Here’s how it works...

 

 

Introducing Boundary Circles To Figure Out What You Need

 

Look at the boundary circle diagram.  

 

First, see yourself at the very center of the circle. 

 

In this center you feel restful and at ease. You’re in the center zone when needs are regularly being met, and it’s a place that feels safe and nurturing.

 

Now, as you move outwards, you enter the gray zone when you are stretching your natural boundaries. This is the energized, creative, anticipatory, aware space I mentioned above that is sometimes a little scary but helps us to expand and grow - in understanding, depth and skill. Now, when you stretch too far out of your comfort zone, you’ll move into the red zone. 

 

As you can see, the red zone is the place of overwhelm and it often occurs when you bite off more than you can chew,  feel invaded, or put others' needs before your own too often. It’s a place that doesn’t feel safe or secure. And it’s where ungrounded anger strikes. 

 

Now, the yellow zone is interesting. It’s that place we wind up when we have ignored the red zone anger, or our needs too long. When we don’t ask for help. When we feel heavy and resentful of those around us. This is where you move into denial, which is so tiring and confusing. 

 

Stay in the yellow zone long and you’ll find your inner compass feels “off” as you lose touch with your wants and needs. 

 

Where would you say you are on the boundary circle map in relation to your boundaries and where do you want to be? 

Are you flexing right now? 

Or are you overriding your needs in the name of everyone else’s? 

Try to tune into what your heart really needs right now. 

 

Why Life In The Yellow Zone Leads To Anger

 

Living in the Yellow Zone means living with uncertainty, and a back and forth swaying between your true needs and denial of them. 

 

Remember that scene up above where your kids are loud, having fun, and then you lose it as one collides with you?

 

Rewind that scene a little. 

 

If you are in the yellow zone and took a step back you might notice the conflicting stories you told yourself. Maybe you sighed and wished for just a few minutes of quiet while you enjoyed your tea, but quick as a flash a second script flipped in, chastising your first thought:

“But the kids are having fun,” you might tell yourself. 

Followed by: “That’s what kids are meant to do.”

Maybe even, “ What kind of mom wouldn’t want them to have fun?””

 

You see how immediately your need for quiet was squashed. 

 

If you've been in the yellow zone for a while, you might get quite upset at this moment and say something really mean to yourself. Something like:  “Why did you even have kids if you can’t handle what comes with it?!”

 

Sound familiar? 

 

So at that moment your child collides with you, you are already conflicted, confused and shamed, overwhelmed by conflicting needs that are not getting met. 

 

You yell. 

 

Or rather, you flip into the red zone, where ungrounded anger lives, and you exert your need for quiet aggressively, by yelling, “ Be quiet!”

 

And then you feel bad for yelling or getting stern.

 

Getting Back To Zones That Feel Safe 

 

You are not a mean mom! You are just trying to get back to a zone that feels safe. 

 

Everyone asks how to get back to the safe zones, and the answer is to hear your needs and honor them. You have to invite your heart to speak up and to promise you’ll try and listen. 

 

Notice your need and then invite curiosity about it. Remember, your needs are information. There’s even a need behind yelling. It’s just that in the yellow and red zone you can’t articulate your needs in the way you’d prefer. 

 

Your need for quiet could be due for a million reasons, but none are malicious. None are wrong!

 

Meeting Needs From The Black And Grey Zones

 

Let’s look at how different the scene can look in the center black or gray zone (when it’s new and a little scary!)

 

You think: 

 

“I wish I could just enjoy my tea in peace.”

 

Now, instead of shutting your need down, you hear it and invite curiosity:

 

“Hmm. I wonder why?

 

“I’m tired. Work has been busy. Molly got sick. I’m worried about those car repairs.

What can I do:”

 

“It’s a nice day. I’m going out for five minutes. That will feel good. “Kids, i’m just going to go enjoy my tea outside for 5 minutes. Have fun. I’ll be right back!””

 

Or even,

 

“Hey kids, looks like you’re having fun. Mom is tired and my ears need a break. Can you give me this room for 5 minutes while I drink my tea? A quiet room can really bring back my energy.”

 

Or even, “You are having real fun, but my ears are tired. Bet you can’t play a quiet game until all my tea is done?”

 

It’s not about putting your needs above your child’s needs, or theirs above yours, it’s about meeting both your needs.

 

They get to have fun. 

You get to have quiet. 

 

If you are in yellow or red right now? This seems impossible, I know. But I bet you can think of a time when it felt like the world was smiling on you, when you felt supported and heard, when you and your kids partnered like this. 

 

And didn’t it feel good?

 

You were in a safe zone, where your needs were getting met. 

 

How To Really Stop Feeling So Angry All the Time As A Mom

 

Anger is never a place we want to operate from. Of course, there’s times you’ll get angry. We all do. When it happens, try to reflect on why it happened. Did you have conflicting thoughts, what was your real need?

 

Start noticing where you are on the map, and asking where you want to be. Ask often!

 

And remember, whatever zone you're in, no matter how you're responding, acknowledge you are just trying to get back to feeling safe. 

 

When you get into the habit of seeing your needs, not as good or bad, deserving or not deserving, but just as a need you have in that moment, judgment and shame is kept in check.  You live more in your gray and black zones that feel good, where you can find creative ways to meet your needs as much as you meet everyone else’s. 

 

Which means you are more aware, energized and connected with yourself and those you love.

 

Let me know how it goes. 

Boundary Circles are one of the strategies I teach parents in my signature course, Breakthrough Parenting Program. Every module is designed to move from anger and overwhelm into a place of partnership and connection with your child. If you’ve been feeling stuck and want a roadmap out, click here to see how Breakthrough Parenting makes parenting strong-willed kids easier and joyful.