In family relationships, boundaries are crucial. They are even more so with a strong-willed or highly sensitive child. 

Good boundaries provide much needed safety and connection that our kids need to do well. 

Yet, you’ll probably have seen that our strong willed, deeply feeling kids can have strong  reactions when being guided, even with gentle parenting discipline ideas. 

It can feel like your child is pushing you away, or just won’t listen. 

Gentle parenting discipline with a strong-willed child can look very different from traditional methods. 

Today, I'm sharing a 4-step way of creating connecting boundaries with strong-willed children. 

In this 4-part guide to establishing boundaries with a strong-willed child using gentle parenting discipline you will:

• State what you want
• Focus on senses
• Use energy exchange to meet both your and your child’s needs
• Move Into Partnership  

But First, A Note About The Term Gentle Parenting

I bet you are here because traditional, more punitive parenting methods don’t work  in your family. In fact, they more than likely escalate upsets and arguments. They may feel disconnecting and distancing. 

You don’t want that. 

This is similar to what I felt when my children were young. And, in seeking an alternative from the mainstream, I came across this new term: 

 “Gentle parenting.” 

At first I loved the ethos. It felt way more empathetic and understanding. I felt like my kids really needed that, and they responded well. 

But, after a while I became stretched.

It felt like gentle parenting meant always putting my kids' needs above my own. At times, it even felt permissive. 

I realized that I was losing my voice and my power in parenting. 

Things felt very one-sided. And so then I found myself getting angry and even reverting back to traditional parenting strategies as I tried to regain control. 

Naturally I felt bad about that. Flip-flopping back and forth felt inconsistent and not good for any of us. 

Which is when I began to start finding my own way, which is now the approach of Forward Together Parenting, by focusing on making sure my voice was heard and my needs felt met, even as I met my child’s needs. 

This approach has brought us, and so many of the families I work with, consistency and connection. It’s empathetic, effective and - even better - doable. 

So, while I do consider it a gentle parenting style, it’s much more about ensuring both your needs are met. 

If you’ve ever felt that the parenting strategies you try feel permissive, or dismissive of your needs, stick around. 

This approach to setting limits with a strong-willed child is heart-centered, relationship-driven and meets your needs and your child’s needs.

Gentle Parenting Discipline With a Strong-willed Child 

Many parents can struggle with setting limits and expectations with a strong-willed child. I know I did. 

In fact, when I think back to my early days as a parent, I see now that setting boundaries was hard because I didn’t really stand up for my own boundaries. If I'm honest, what happened is I kind of “sold out” my boundaries from two perspectives. 

I could see why boundaries were important in my relationships, and yet at the same time, they just didn't feel good. When I tried to set boundaries with my children, it felt like I was blaming them or judging them or guilting them. Any way I tried felt disconnecting and led to more conflict. 

That isn’t what I wanted in my relationship with my children. 

It took me shifting my own perspective on boundaries. 

As I began to cultivate a different relationship with boundaries, I also began to use them to support myself and my family in a way that kept our intimacy and connection intact.

What’s The Difference Between Boundaries and Limits?

So often, these two words “limits” and “boundaries,” are used interchangeably. I find them to be very different. 

Let me ask you. When you think of a limit, how does it feel?

If you are like me, it feels restrictive. Like you are shutting things down or cutting things off. Snacks, screentime, you name it. 

Limits are like walls. They disconnect. 

Boundaries, on the other hand, are more like strong foundations beneath us. 

A boundary provides clarity and focus on an issue, and helps us honor the action that we then take. 

They provide stability and security so that we stay connected. 

In the process I’m about to explain, you’ll see how boundaries can connect us to what our hearts know about our needs or wants or values or desires as well as acknowledging something of the person’s own values and desires. It’s a kind of energetic need that we can attune ourselves to become aware of. 

Think about your highly sensitive or strong-willed kids. They really have a lot of needs, don’t they?

We know that they do better with extra helpings of compassion. So what can happen is that in all the care and compassion we give, we end up giving a lot more attention to their needs. That doesn’t feel quite right. 

Or, if we come down hard on them, during moments when we feel frazzled or worn down, it can feel like we are squashing their spirits or defeating them. This doesn't feel good either. 

So often, we find ourselves ping ponging back and forth between these two systems. 

Instead, I invite you to stop that back and forth and shift into working in partnership. When we do this, we lead with possibility and shift how our relationships with boundaries start to feel. 

Explaining Boundaries As A Gentle Parenting Discipline

Let's talk about what boundaries really are. 

Let’s think about a basketball court. 

On a court, we have side lines and end lines which determine the size of the court and so where the game is played. And we have some important markings, like the mid court line, which is a boundary line teams observe, and the three point line. Field goals made from outside this line count as three points. 

Now, I don’t know much more than that about basketball, but the point is that having those court lines eliminates confusion. 

When a group of people come to play basketball, they can play easily because they understand the agreements of the court; they can step into the game right away. If they play without the lines on the court everything needs to be decided fresh, which leads to confusion and frustration. 

Most times, when we set boundaries, we’re missing those all important court lines. 

So, let’s switch that up. We’re aiming for clarity and focus so that we can enjoy the game.

Gentle Parenting Discipline Step 1: Share What You Do Want

My first step? Share what you do want. 

Easy, right?

You’d think. 

Actually parents end up saying a lot of what they don’t want:

“Don’t tease the dog.”

What does the child hear?

“Tease the dog.”

When you say “Don’t touch that plate,” they see the plate and - thanks human nature - want to touch it more!

Instead try, “That plate is heavy. You can help by carrying these spoons.”

Or “Paws loves it when you throw his ball for him.”

This gives a vivid, clear mental picture of your expectation.

Gentle Parenting Discipline Step 2: Notice The Senses And Say Them

Imagine this. 

Your 4-year-old barrels out from their room in the morning and begins to climb all over you. No matter if you’re holding  a hot cup of coffee and setting a plate of eggs at the table! 

Most likely, you’ll feel conflicted. 

Of course you want to welcome your child. You notice they are so happy to see you. And you don’t want to spill coffee on them, drop your food, or dirty up your work clothes. 

The way to meet both needs is to focus on your senses and say them. 

“There you are! Good morning!  I want to snuggle with you and my coffee is hot and the eggs are runny (just how we both like ‘em!).  It’s important I keep us and our home safe. Let’s do this - come sit in this seat next to me.  Can I put my arm around you?  Oh, it is a good feeling to get to snuggle you!

We just use those few sentences to focus on the moment. And because you are voicing your needs too, your child feels no blame or shame. It's a fact. And it’s loving. 

Gentle Parenting Discipline Step 3 and Step 4: Energy Exchange & Partnership

In the example above, you can see a little of step 3 too. You can see how setting a boundary in partnership helps you shift the energy so that you can meet both needs. 

Let’s dig into it a bit more. 

Traditionally, we respond to the behavior we see. In the example above that might look like, “Hey! Watch out! I have hot coffee.”

Your strong-willed child may have a lot of feelings about this.

Because actually, their feelings are not only hurt - these kids feel intense shame easily - but also their need has been ignored too. 

The need is what drove them to climb up on you. Most likely, because it’s morning, they wanted to re-connect. 

Now, imagine this. It’s dinner. 

Everybody is wiggling in their seats as you bring the food to the table.

You want to have a nice dinner.

Your kids' movement shows you they have a need for play.

There are a few ways this could go.

Way #1:  "Everybody calm down! We're trying to have a nice dinner!"

Nope.  That feels yucky. 

Way #2:  "Can everyone stop wiggling?"

None of them listen to that. 

Now you might start to doubt the validity of your need for a calm dinner and tell yourself, "Good parents let their kids have fun. I don't want to stifle that need.

But see? That response dismisses your own needs…

And dismissing either your child's needs or yours doesn’t really work well in the long term. 

Notice the needs underneath the behavior that seem in conflict: 

Your kids have a need for fun and you have a need for calm bodies sitting in their seats at the table. Both needs are important. Both needs matter.

So, we use Step 3, the Energy Exchange and Step 4, Move Into Partnership.  

Way #3: Acknowledge your kids' needs and your needs. Then, Instead of stopping one energy, simply change its direction and allow it to flow another way. Like this:

Oh it looks like you guys want to play!  

Playing is fun! And I want us to be still at the table so everyone stays safe and clean and we remember to eat our food. We all want that, don’t we?  How about instead of playing with our bodies, we play with our minds? 

How about a game of “Would you rather?'" or “Two truths and a lie.”>

So instead of our needs being in opposition, we've stepped into partnership. Into an energy of belonging and community where, rather than telling them to stop what they are doing, we let them know there can be a way to achieve both objectives. 

With phrases like “we all want that, don’t we?”, we’re saying that instead of it being us versus them, it’s us and them together facing a challenge.  

That energy exchange and realignment into partnership is step three and four. 

A Note About Shaming, Setting Boundaries and Strong-Willed Kids

Now, what happens if you have to move into help using these gentle discipline strategies when your kids are in opposition with each other? 

Or maybe you find them looking guilty about something and you want to understand, you want to help?

But when you ask, even gently, “What happened?” they only stare back at you with big eyes. 

Or they shrug their shoulders.

Or they run and hide.

What are they avoiding with these reactions???

As you know, strong-willed kids feel their feelings very deeply. They get very scared of getting in trouble. 

Of course! These reactions are all to do with them feeling like they’re going to get in trouble again. 

So, before asking anything, or staying anything else, try these four words to soothe that fear of theirs...

"You're not in trouble."

And, just watch, as the tension in their body and fear in their eyes melt away

Watch as they soften.

Once that default flight or fright is deactivated, you can move into the four-step strategy above. 

One of my favorite beliefs, one that I share regularly with parents I work with, is that "Behind every thought there is a kind thought."

Boundaries are not only physical.  

Often in parenting, we get stuck on the physical - how to get our kids to put the phone down, do their homework, help out, get dressed, share.

Boundaries are also mental and emotional. This way of setting boundaries gets you back in touch with your kind heart and your child’s kind heart. 

There may still be impact from their choices and consequences of some kind, but they are not “in trouble.”

If you find your child with their phone in their room when that rule is established as not allowed, you can still use, “You’re not in trouble.”

They already know they’ve broken a rule. They already have that shame in their heads and their hearts. What they need is a gentle parent who can help them to feel better about a mistake they made. 

• What was their need in breaking the rule?
• What is your need in setting it?
• What needs do you have to make repair?
• How do you agree on a way forward now?

It’s a radically different way to experience boundaries. 

And for parents of kids who are strong-willed or highly sensitive, where anger escalates so fast, where feelings often threaten to overwhelm, and conflict seems to appear out of nowhere, they can be such a comfort. 

They provide  the good, loving stable connection that kids who feel so deeply need. 

Parents I work with find them such a relief. 

I hope they help connection and cooperation flourish in your house too. 

If you're ready for support in understanding these strategies for raising strong-willed kids, consider joining The Cove, where we focus not only on learning new ways of parenting but practicing them so that they become a part of who we are.